I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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