I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
the room spins SO much faster in panama
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
So squirting runs in the family.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
