I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
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just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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