Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
