I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
