woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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