Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Randomize
