My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
