My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
