do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
