if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
