How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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