a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
even my farts smell like vagina
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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