I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I would fuck him just for his dog
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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