mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
