Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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