Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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