Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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