i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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