I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
