OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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