I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
