we have pet lesbian snakes
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
