this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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