I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
