she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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