based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
