I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
