How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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