I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
