Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
