Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
