Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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