she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
