nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
