where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
