I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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