If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
