he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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