Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
