Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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