Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
