New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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