I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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