dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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