I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Randomize
