So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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