So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
