my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
