I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
