I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
