i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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