girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
