did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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