she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
