the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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