first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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