dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
