I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Randomize
